Oh the crazy days! What would we do without them? The days when the moment you wake up you know that nothing, and I mean nothing is going to go right! The days when you dread getting out of bed and facing another day. Ever have one of these days? Ever wonder how you are going to manage to make it through the day? Ever just want to say forget it and go back to bed and start over? Well, I confess I have had my share of these days in my lifetime. There have been many, many times when I just wanted to pull the covers over my head and just leave it all behind. Unfortunately, this is just life. Many of us are over worked, under paid, frustrated, and quite frankly completely exhausted. So what do we do? In the world today one cannot just quit life and do nothing. We all have to eat, sleep, and function in some capacity. Everyone has responsibilities, if only to themselves, to do the best and be the best person they can be.
Years ago, when my children were very young I was a single mom struggling to make ends meet. Luckily I had the help of my family so I never really had to worry where we were going to sleep or if we would have something to eat. However, my battle was inside myself. I was battling with depression, a loss of self-worth, guilt, and mental and physical abuse from a previous spouse. I kept my battles to myself. I never told anyone of what I went through and was struggling with. I was too ashamed. Instead I put on a brave face and hardened my heart to get by. I became an overprotective mother to my three daughters and made their lives miserable at times. I tried to be everything to everyone and failed miserably. I found myself in a situation where if I went to work to support my children I would be putting their lives in danger literally. I fought fiercely with my ex-spouse over visitation because he was a threat to my children. In winning this battle I lost another much more important.
My children were unaware of the situation because I did not feel right degrading their father. He was after all their father. So I decided to let them hate me while protecting them. I loved them enough to let them hate me with decisions I made in their best interest. It was during this time that I lost the most important man in my life, my father. He was the one person I could go to when I felt broken. He could always "fix" me somehow. But he was diagnosed with cancer and we only had him for 6 weeks. He was my rock and now my rock was gone. My mother was devastated and started failing in health after this.
Then came the teenage years!The teenage years were a nightmare! Not only did I have two rebellious teenagers and their older sibling with her own problems but my mother became ill around this time and none of us was aware of just how ill she was. It was all very slow and painful to those who were living with her. Once again I found myself in the position of being the one who was responsible for things. I was overwhelmed most of the time but I kept it to myself. I had no one to talk to now that my father was gone. I became angry and unbearable at times.
I loved my mother and I respected her even to the day she died. I was always taught to respect my elders and I did. I never disrespected my mother even when the dementia took over the woman I loved so much. I did not let my daughters disrespect their grandmother either and I took her side in many disagreements much to the dismay of my children. They did not understand my reasons but then I did not tell them the reasons either. I let my daughters choose their paths in life. I did not interfere in their lives or at least I tried not to. I allowed them to grow by pushing them out of the nest. This was the hardest thing I ever had to do but at the time it was a choice I made and I cannot change that.
I have made many mistakes in my life, many of which my children would be glad to agree on. But even though I was not the mother they wanted me to be, they are the beautiful and intelligent women they are today because of those choices, whether good or bad. And they have families of their own and have made good and bad choices in their lifetimes also. All of my grandchildren are blessings to me and I love them all. All of them are growing up to be beautiful adults who too will have children of their own and make their own mistakes along the way.
I know God has forgiven me for the bad choices I made in my life, and someday my children will too. Regardless, if I have learned nothing more in this life it is that I am unashamed of my choices because my choices have made me the person I am today. Today I am happy regardless of the circumstances and I am unashamed of my life. Why? Because now God is leading the way not me and I am unashamed to tell everyone that without God I never would have gotten this far. God has always been there in good and bad times and I was never alone. He never stopped loving me and protecting me and my girls. For that I am extremely thankful. I am not perfect, I never will be, but I am loved by God and that my friends will never change. 1John 4:10 " This is love, not that we loved him but that he loved us"
Until next time, take care my friends and love others and remember to love yourselves as well. God bless.
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