Today I am going to discuss abuse. The definition of abuse according to Merriam-Webster is as follows:
1: a corrupt practice or custom
the buying of votes and other election abuses
2: improper or excessive use or treatment: misuse; drug abuse
3: language that condemns or vilifies usually unjustly, intemperately, and angrily; verbal abuse; a term of abuse
4: physical maltreatment; child abuse; sexual abuse
5: obsolete: a deceitful act: deception
Abuse of any kind whether it be physical, sexual, mental, or verbal is not OK!!!! But how many times a day does the average person use some form of abuse? Most of the time it is unintentional, common place, calling someone an idiot, or saying they are fat, maybe saying they stink, or they are stupid. Most of the time if we are honest with ourselves, every one of us has been abusive to some extent to someone we know, love, or maybe just met. It seems to be a part of our human nature....and for some of us it is our everyday life......something expected and something we do to ourselves.
I can remember times in my childhood when my mother would yell at me and tell me I was stupid because I didn't do something the way she wanted me to. Now don't get me wrong, I loved my mother with all my heart, but sometimes she could cut you to pieces with just her words. She had a knack for making you feel small and unimportant. It was her weapon of choice. I don't think she really meant the things she would say because later on she would say something really nice and encouraging. Still many times I felt the deep cut of her words. I was an only child for 9 1/2 years and I was used as an example of what not to do or be for my siblings. This continued on through my adult years. My mother's words became stronger as I aged, and I rebelled in the only way I knew how. I got pregnant, married, then lost my first child. It was at this time that my mother showed compassion and understanding for my pain. She was very supportive and took care of me when I became pregnant for my second child. I was bedridden for the majority of my pregnancy and my mother took care of me and helped me through my separation and divorce from my first husband.
My second husband was an abuser. I was unaware of it at first, because he was always so nice to me and complimented me all the time and told me how good a mother I was and how beautiful I was. So, we lived together for a while much to my mother's dismay, my mother could see through his lies whereas I was blind to them. My second husband would tell me daily that my family did not love me or want me, and my mother would confirm this by attacking me and my husband with verbal abuse every time we were together. I was so confused and beaten down at this time in my life that I just wanted there to be peace. I felt my lowest at this point. My supposedly caring husband found fault in everything I did, the way I looked, the color of my hair, the way I cooked or cleaned or took care of the kids. He was always quick to find fault but then in the next minute he would be nice to me. I started believing that I was losing my mind. I noticed how he always picked the babysitters and how young girls were always coming over to the house to talk to him. When I would question this, he would say I was imagining things. I wasn't ...he was a pedophile. Now on top of everything I hated about myself I felt the shame of living with and sleeping with a pedophile. When he went to prison, I was separated from him long enough to realize I did not want this type of person in my life. I divorced him but not without a very lengthy fight in the courts for custody and the safety of my children!!!
During this time, I went back home to my parents to raise my children. With all the self-hating I was feeling I needed my parents to care for my children. I felt safe there......then my father died. He was my rock and my shield when my mother went on a rampage of verbal abuse towards me. Now my protector was gone, and I was left to deal with my mother alone. My other siblings all grew up and went their own way, except for one sister. She stayed and together we took care of mom until she died. My sister and I have a very close bond because we went through the same things. Growing up she couldn't go with the other because she always had to help mom. She wasn't allowed to date or really have any friends. She was mom's right-hand person. It's said that you always hurt the ones you love......that's true because mom loved us both but since we were the ones available, we were the ones she lashed out at. My mother became sick, and her sickness made her lash out even more, but we knew it was the disease not our mother lashing out. We knew she was scared and confused at the changes she was experiencing.
I know there are a lot of people out there who have experienced some form of abuse in their lives. All I can say to you is that you are not alone. And when you think about it the abuser is really not lashing out at you personally but at something inside of themselves that they hate. The only thing you can do is know that you are loved by God and if God can love you just the way you are, then you can love yourself just the way you are. I used to get angry with my mother for making me feel small and unimportant, but then I realized that maybe she felt that way about herself deep inside and this was her anger coming out. It wasn't until after she was gone that I began to see how much pain she was feeling. Now I can forgive her for all those times she cut me with her words, and I am at peace. Now I remember all the wonderful things she did for me instead of all the hurtful things she said. I know she is smiling now because she knows I know how much she really loved me.
So, the next time someone tells you that you are fat, ugly, stupid, unimportant, or whatever just smile and know that they are just lashing out at their insecurities, and you are the easiest target. Smile and just go on knowing you are loved even if not by them. You are important, beautiful, smart, and loving and caring. When you look in the mirror smile and know that you are loved by the only one that is really important God.
For those of you who are suffering physical abuse, the first and foremost thing is to distance yourself from your abuser. Do not give them a punching bag to continue abusing. You must protect yourself from harm, then you can heal, and they can either change or go their own way. In order to move forward you must first let go. Well, this is long enough. For now, I will go, and I pray that all who read this are well and safe. Take care of yourselves and others and love others, but most of all love yourself.... after all you are a child of God's, and he loves you just the way you are......
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