It will soon be a year since my brother took his life. I won’t lie, it’s been a difficult year… lots of anger, pain, and endless tears… At first, I was angry with God because I prayed endlessly for him to protect my brother and stop him from taking his life, but it happened anyway… I couldn’t understand how God could let it happen… Didn’t he hear me??? Did I do or say something wrong??? But that kind of thinking just made matters worse…so I started to pray for guidance and healing… I won’t lie it took a while and I still cry endless tears some days.
Then one day a thought crossed my mind about how God protected Robert…what if God deflected the bullet and instead of killing him it just made him paralyzed… or the bullet killed someone else instead? If the bullet had killed one of my nieces or my grandson Robert could not have lived with that, and he would have taken his life later because of it… What if the bullet had just made him a vegetable living off machines…no he wouldn’t have wanted that either…
Another way God protected him was on his trip here… he prevented him from having confrontation with the police thus preventing him from a needless shoot out where innocent people might have been hurt… I know my brother, he had one thing in mind and that was ending his pain, and nothing would have stopped him from doing what he set out to do. So, God protected him by keeping his pathway clear
The one-way God protected him the most was putting people who loved him there with him… even though he yelled at them and ignored their pleas not to do it… he was not alone, and he knew he was loved…
Last, but not least God protected him from any more needless pain and suffering …I have no clue as to what pain he was going through because he wouldn’t tell me…even though I asked him at different times…he always told me he was ‘fine’…but I do know that whatever it was that was ahead of him there would be some pain or suffering that I guess he couldn’t bear, so God protected him from any further pain and suffering by taking him home where he would be safe and pain free…
So, I thank God every day for taking my brother, Robert, home and protecting him …do I still grieve… yes, every day… am I still angry… not any more…do I miss him… every minute of every day…
The difference between today and a year ago is that now I can look at my loss and see the beauty it left behind…You probably wonder what beauty there could possibly be in such a loss…well, I have many memories of Robert that I will treasure always…he honored me with the title of ‘grandma Nono’ with his children the day they were born even though technically I am their aunt. Because of that honor I have 4 precious great grandchildren that I love with all my heart… and it prepared me for the rest of my grandchildren and great grandchildren…
Another beauty is, it made the family aware of one another…it made us all aware that every minute is precious and every moment counts. Don’t put off telling someone you’re thinking about them because one of you might be gone tomorrow… Enjoy every moment of every day even if its’ just resting… Be grateful for every morning that you wake up because you have a new day to make new memories with others…
I pay more attention to the ‘little things’ in life and as my brother used to say “Don’t sweat the little things… they’re all little things” A quote from a book he once read… I wish he had taken his own advice… but I guess he was supposed to make us aware of the real meaning of life instead…
Anyway, the point to all of this is to be aware of the beauty in all the dark moments in your life…because trust me… there is beauty in it… you just have to look for it … always remember that after every storm there is always a rainbow… sometimes it is faint, but it is there…
Bernice Barnes August 2021
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