Aging A form of Grief

When I was a kid I couldn’t wait to grow older. I wanted to be a teenager, then an adult…

Time seemed to go so slowly…..but now that I am and adult time speeds by like a racecar heading for the finish line!

People always talk about grief when they lose a loved one but never about the Grief of aging. Personally I never realized it even existed. Nobody ever talked about and it was a rude awakening when I started experiencing it.

I’m not what I consider ‘old’. I keep telling myself I’m only 74…..but then there are days where I realize that I am old….My body does not allow me to do the things I used to do. At least not without a ton of effort and considerable consequences!

I can remember a time when I could walk for miles and run and jump. I could climb steps, sometimes 2 at a time and carry a trunkful of groceries in one trip!  None of this bothered me in any way shape or form but now……well that’s a whole different story.

Now I’m lucky if I can walk to the corner and back without having to stop at least once or twice to catch my breath and steady myself. That’s hard for me to accept right now but it’s reality…I still cook and do laundry but at a whole different pace than before….I still go to the store and shop for groceries but I don’t linger like I used to ….I go in get what I need and get out!

Everything has changed even my sleep pattern….I used to stay up all night because I wanted to now it’s because I can’t sleep and even though my body is exhausted my mind won’t shut up so I can go to sleep….that’s when I pray for God to help me shut off my mind and rest….and He always does. But then I may sleep until noon or later! And I feel like I’m behind when I finally get up.

At my age my mother took pills all through the day for arthritis and several other issues she dealt with as she aged…. A lot of her medications had lasting side effects  ending with her kidneys failing and shutting down….Seeing all the things she went through just to keep going made me untrusting of doctors. I went to them when I was younger…..I had all kinds of tests done and was on medication for psychomotor epilepsy, one doctor put me on a heart medication because instead of speeding up when I was active my heart slowed down until it was on the verge of stopping if I didn’t stop what I was doing….oh and lets not leave the doctor out who said I had asthma and put me on pills for that too. All these things mysteriously cleared up on their own without medication, inhalers or anything else. Why? I have no clue, all I know is that I stopped taking the medications and going to the doctors and just started talking to God and listening to my body….

But now my body is arguing with me every day, I didn’t listen when I should have so now it has taken control of what I can and cannot do. I move slower, I shake occasionally, my writing has become unreadable and thus begins the journey of grief.

Grief for the things I used to do all day that now takes me all day to do……grief for not being able to keep up with others and pitch in and help. For the first time in my life I feel like I’m in the way…..

And that my friend is the most difficult part of aging….My mind is still sharp, though sometimes slow in retrieving the information it holds, but I can still remember who I am, and where I am, and who people are and how to do things. My body may be slower but my mind is still as quick as ever….so now I begin the journey of grief of aging but this too will pass. Until then I will shed a few more tears and hug a little harder and longer, simply because I love you….grief is a rollercoaster…it has its up and downs….but I am determined to finish the ride, with God’s help and guidance. Because without him I wouldn’t be able to do it.

God, thank you for always being by my side. Thank you for understanding your ‘stubborn’ child and for seeing me through all my storms. I know this storm too will pass. Until then I trust you to guide me, wipe away my tears, and comfort me when I need it most. As always I pray your will be done. Amen